Rolling over I am learning to embrace your absence; I never quite addressed my own. I have been building my body out of sand but I haven’t yet found the glue. It’s filled with holes and spaces, waiting to be filled. The next gusts of water or wind will take me with them and I will travel the world on their backs.

The changing static takes some getting used to; it flows across my eyes in waves, leaving me washed clean. Nothing seems good enough; everything is here. Peace is always more elusive than I want it to be, it’s like the molecules of air that roll across my fingertips, and sometimes I can catch it with my breath. It takes some practice.

This pulse is all that I have; and we seem to share common threads: arteries and veins: pump in and out; gushing red, blue, and rainbow. Sink with me into the blood of humanity, let your breath bubble to the top, when it pops the world will hear. I hope that it is loud enough. Maybe I am the one who is deaf, I have learned to obstruct my ears with sticks and stones, so that my I can control my own melodies. It hasn’t quite worked according to plan.

It is time to notice. My context is filled with beautifully mundane spirits. The sensation of loving is like an awareness of the humanity of the bus driver, of the passengers, and of myself. There is something forgotten, I always had a bad memory.

The tabletops are empty, but at least I can feel their ridges, maybe that will remind me of what I am looking for: something to let go of. I realize that it’s here; that I can live, or breathe, or die, or suffocate, or even float in the absence. I tell myself that I am worthy. Some lies bring beauty, please don’t lie to me. I could never forgive that.

To my college friends

I love you,

I love you all…

and that is all that I can say to everyone who has continually made me feel complete, happy, and worthwhile.

If only I had another chance, another lifetime to return the favor and allow myself to truly commit to you. Our hearts would become one, we would beat loudly in unison. Nothing would ever deter us from the strength that we give each other.

As the world continues to turn, we trip and fall, but now I have accepted that ever-present fact. The scratches on my palms will heal, even if they leave behind a miniature reminder of their existence. I lick the blood off of my skin and we search frantically for a bandage to protect the rest of my pulsing bloodstream.

Once the wound is covered, we prepare for our next adventure. It takes more than sticks and stones to deter us. Until I die, I will remember the hope that you have given me. Everyday, we search in wonder for joy and inspiration. Everything is beautiful. Every moment comes slowly.

The lonely and hopeless days were always followed by love. After receiving a glorious bear hug, I forget why I ever felt disheartened. I hope that I always have friends that love to hug as much as you do.

Now…

I am moving on to new things; I will go on new adventures and meet new people, though it would be impossible to find anyone as crazy as you. So, I hope that we can always allow our hearts to beat loudly and listen for the rhythm of a friend.

Despite distance and time, you have affected me in ways that will never be changed. For that… I am thankful.

My drawing 3 self portrait series, on relationships

I am interested in tobacco's previous connection to rituals and its modern indulgence.

Exploring painting techniques

Another process I have been working with is various ways to layer oil paint, so that the underlying colors are visible through the top color.

These bright and luminous pieces of canvas will be used in many ways. I have used cool temperatures in the background to make the squares seem more vibrant.


My large painting was inspired by my trip up north to Wisconsin. Driving at night, we saw clouds with an intense red glow in front of a dark sky. Recently I have been feeling the intense boldness of red. Red resembles blood, which symbolizes life, death, and love. Despite blandness, mediocrity, and sadness, humans can still care and love.

In the painting, I first used a gray layer of acrylic paint.

Then, I added a thin layer of red oil paint.
I will add more thin layers of oil paint on top. My goal is to create depth, color intensity, and luminosity in the center, while the flat, matte acrylic paint acts as a foil.